Gilda (gildagonebad) wrote in twelvers,
Gilda
gildagonebad
twelvers

Fear

Hi. I'm 27 and I have been drinking since I was 13, off and on until I was 21 and pretty much every night since I was legally old enough to buy alcohol on my own. Well, I have had brief periods of sobriety. On my 21st birthday (I knew then it would be downhill from there) I walked into AA and stayed sober for about a week. I've been back a couple times since, but never achieved more than a few days at a time.

I hate it. I absolutely hate being reliant on this thing. I have made huge efforts to make my life better in other areas (I'm getting in shape and losing weight, etc), but I know I will never be truly at peace unless I beat this addiction. I am currently on the weight watchers plan to lose weight and was wondering why I was so hungry on it when I realized that I am saving over half my daily calories to use on alcohol instead of real food!

The problem is that I'm terrified. I not only scared of what life will be like sober (that's the least of my worries right now!), but of going through withdrawal. While I drink heavily at night and normally not at all during the day, it's still been so long since I've gone longer than 24 hours without a drink. I know withdrawal will be bad, but I'm terrified of the worse effects, the vomiting, seizures and possible death I see listed among it's symptoms. I've been drinking so long, what if withdrawal kills me?! I'm scared to death and I don't have the resources to go to a hospital.

I want to get clean, but I'm more afraid of immediate death via withdrawal than dying of something alcohol related in the distant future.  Would cutting back gradually work?  Has anyone ever successfully done that?

x-posted.  sorry if anyone got spammed.
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